Breaking Down The Big Brother 13 Cast
If you’re a Big Brother fan and follow my twitter or facebook, you’d know the cast was revealed for Big Brother 13… well, partially.  Only 8 cast members were revealed which further fuels the speculation that the remaining 6(?) will be part of some twist of likely former cast members re-entering the house and secretly already aligned with someone.   That doesn’t make it very fair for the remaining two, unless they’re secretly aligned as well.   Either way, what I do know is they have 14 places at the table, and 14 spots on the memory wall, so I put that amount on my header and expect there to be a lot more houseguests than the 8 revealed today.
That leads me to the breakdown of the current cast….
First we have Adam Poch, a 39 year old from the armpit of America (aka New Jersey).  He’s a music inventory manager (whatever that is), and describes himself as funny and cuddly. Serious? Who describes themselves as funny and cuddly? I’ll tell you who, people who are clingy and tell bad jokes.   I expect a lot of awkward moments with Adam in the house trying to loosen people up but really just coming off as a tool. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but I don’t predict a very good fit here.
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Next up, no season of Big Brother would be complete without a “model” who is trying to use a reality show as a launching pad for her career. Cassi Colvin is going to be the token “eye candy” for the male viewers who are going to tune into the live feeds hoping to catch a glimpse of her nude.  Will it happen? It’s really hard to say, I mean her favorite thing to do is sit around and drink beers with guys.  While some may view that as a drunk girl banging the guys, I see it as opposite. She tries real hard to fit in with her male friends and earn “respect” from them by pounding beers. She wouldn’t sacrifice her rep by banging them all.
I also like this tidbit from her profile, “Fame has never been something I’ve actively sought out” — says the model who joined one of the most popular summer reality shows. I don’t mean to be hard on her, it’s just my cynical nature!
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Let me introduce you to Dominic Briones, the man without a fear in the world except catching an STD. wtf? Wait, did I read that right? He can adapt to everything else in the world, but apparently if he gets an STD, he’s doomed.  I have news for you Dominic, make sure you don’t touch anything in the house with your bare hands then.  I wouldn’t be surprised if you could catch the herp while fully clothed in that house.
Also, I’m calling it now before any confirmation – token gay guy.
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Here we have the 30 year old writer, Kalia Booker, who will probably leave the house and puke when she reads my sloppy writing skills.  Or maybe she won’t because she claims everyone loves her and that’s how she’s going to win Big Brother, then get famous and hang around with Lindsay Lohan. What? If your goal when famous is to hang around with a train wreck who will likely end up getting you arrested somehow, maybe you should just go back to writing.
Also, when you claim everyone loves you, that usually means you know everyone hates you and you need to convince yourself otherwise.
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Now, for the whitest black guy you’ll ever meet, Keith Henderson. He calls people “human capital”, is a self proclaimed “kiss-ass” and is a human resources manager. Look, I don’t care how white the guy acts, but one thing I want to clue him in on, working in HR doesn’t guarantee people love you. In fact, it’s probably the opposite in many offices, but act like the HR rep is their best friend because they want to keep their jobs, and want nice raises.   This guy is going to be in for a rude awakening if he expects the people in the house to treat him like his “human capital” does.
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Meet, Lawon Exum who’s main goal in life is to be clean and fit. Aww shit, did I already predict the token gay guy on the show? Is it too late to change my vote?
This guys bio annoyed me pretty quickly. He uses words like “handsomexy” and “handsomefied” in describing himself. Ok we get it, you think you’re handsome, but cute names just makes it douchy.  I predict he’s going to quickly annoy the houseguests and be one of the outcasts of the season.
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Let’s meet the wet dreams of stereotypes, Porsche Briggs.  The 23 year old blonde from Miami Beach who works as a VIP cocktail waitress… and let me remind you, her name is Porsche.    She’s like a character taken straight out of an 80’s movie about some super hot girl who ends up dating a dorky guy, but then makes him over and then she realizes she really loves him but now he’s dating other girls.
Do you think when her parents named her, they expected her to either be a Dolphins cheerleader, or a cocktail waitress? I’m thinking yes.  You can’t name your daughter Porsche while living in Florida and not expect her to become either one of the two mentioned, or a stripper.    What would have happened had she grown up ugly? I guess that was a gamble they were willing to take.
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And to round out the first 8, we have the mom of the season, Shelly Moore. Let’s see, what can I make fun of.  She likes to play with her family? Nah…  She’s most proud of her daughter? Nope… Scared of snakes? Boring…. Racing to St.Judes hospital to help the kids if she becomes famous?  Ugh, I’m going to hell if I make fun of Shelly.
She seems like an all around good person, but not good for bloggers! It’s like comedians who were rooting for Donald Trump to run for President for comedic purposes. I need more Porsche’s on the show and less Shelly’s or I’m going to starve this summer!
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So there you have it. The first batch of cast members revealed until who knows when. I assume it’ll probably be something we’ll find out when the season opens, so take some time to chew up these people, let them linger in your stomachs in awhile before digesting them because you may not see anyone new for another week.
Also, shameless plug, it’s less than a week until the pre-season savings on the live feed expires, so make sure you grab it here and help pay my server bills!
